She sighs. “Okay. I’ll get a bag packed. But can you not get married tomorrow? Can you please wait until the next day because we’ll have pictures, and I don’t want to have bags under my eyes, and I’m not sure I’m going to get much sleep tonight. And I need a dress. We’ll have to go shopping, and tomorrow should be a girl’s day. Violet needs a proper bachelorette party.”

“We can swing that.” I give Violet the thumbs up, and she shakes her boobs like they’re maracas.

The call to her mom is much easier. Violet straddles my lap while she waits for Skye to answer. She explains the plan and has to hold the phone away from her ear at her mom’s shrieking. Of course Skye is down for a Vegas wedding.

We hang up and book flights for Skye and Sidney as well; they’ll arrive around the same time as my parents.

Violet claps her hands. The movement makes her rock over my erection. “Oh my God, we’re getting married. In Vegas!”

I hold on to her hips. “We are.”

“Why the hell didn’t we think of this earlier?”

“Because we wrongly assumed our mothers wouldn’t interfere, and we were trying to please the wrong people.”

“So true.” She puts her hands on my chest. “We need to celebrate!”

“I was thinking the exact same thing.” Her half-exposed boobs graze my chest.

“I need to tell Charlene! And Sunny! And Lily if we can get her and Randy to stop fucking for five minutes. Oh my God! Let’s order champagne and that fake champagne for Sunny so she doesn’t feel left out!” Violet rolls off the bed and pulls the lapels of her robe together, covering her boobs. “Come on!”

She stops when I don’t move right away and glances down to where my hard-on strains the cotton of my boxer briefs. There’s a big wet spot where Violet was sitting on me.

“I thought maybe you’d want to celebrate in here first, before we celebrate with our friends.”

“You’re so smart.” Violet drops her robe on the floor and drags a red-tipped nail from my ankle all the way up my thigh.

She climbs on the bed and straddles my legs. Hooking her fingers into the waistband, she pulls my boxer briefs down, and my erection springs free. “But I think we should probably scale back on the sex after this round.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t want a sore beaver for my wedding night.”

“Right, good call. But there’s always boob sex.”

“And blow jobs, don’t forget those.”

We have let’s-see-how-quiet-we-can-be sex, and then we order champagne, tell our friends, and celebrate the best damn decision we’ve made about the wedding since we got engaged.

19

Seriously, These Moms

VIOLET

We are moderately hungover the next morning when our parents arrive. Daisy and my mom have spent the entire thirty-minute drive to the hotel calling all sorts of people: setting up hair appointments for tomorrow and a spa/shopping day today. We have literally half an hour to get our asses in gear, which is asking a lot based on my current state.

Robbie and Sidney are way more laidback. They make themselves comfortable on the couch in our suite’s living room while they watch sports highlights.

I want to have an outtie instead of an innie today so I can relax like the boys.

Alex gives me some kind of orange fizzy drink he says will make me feel better, along with Tylenol. Then he dresses me—I don’t get to appreciate his fondling because his mom and my mom keep knocking on the door, asking if I’m ready to go—and sends me off with the girls.

By the time we get to the spa, I’m feeling much better. Lily looks worn out, though; she nodded off three times during the drive.

I elbow her in the side and whisper, “Lily, Lily, Lily.”

She grabs my hand and puts it on her thigh—high up on her thigh. “Just another ten minutes, Randy. Then I’ll open the Vagina Emporium again.”

Charlene barks out a laugh, and Lily sits up, blinking rapidly.

“Oh. We’re here already? I must’ve nodded off.” She touches her face and smoothes her skirt, which has ridden up.

“What’s a Vagina Emporium? Is it a sex shop?” my mom asks.

More laughter follows, along with Lily’s embarrassed groan.

“No, Mom, that’s what Lily calls her vagina since she lets Balls put whatever he wants in there.”

Lily slaps my arm. “Is no topic off limits with you?”

“Why just the other day, Sunny and I talked about sex during pregnancy. Didn’t we, Sunny?” Daisy says, as if she’s trying to make Lily feel better.

“We sure did!” Sunny smiles, but it’s the kind of smile she wears when Miller’s eating wings and tries to kiss her.

My mom climbs over Daisy so she can get out of the car instead of waiting since Daisy’s fussing with her hair again. She’s really owning the new style. In fact, it’s been flat-ironed recently, so I think she’s checking to make sure it’s not frizzy, which isn’t going to happen in Vegas like it does in Chicago.

We can’t all get manicures at the same time, so they split us up. I get pampered with a massage and some kind of wrap-scrub thing, during which I fall asleep. I feel incredibly refreshed when I pad out to the massager chairs and plunk down next to Lily, who’s sleeping while a lady gives her a pedicure.

Three hours of beautifying later, we’re prettied up with matching nails—red, of course—and ready for dress shopping. All I currently have with me are some slutty ones that show lots of cleavage because, well, we’re in Vegas.