I eye her warily. “Stepping it up how?”

Charlene glances around the store. Lily and Sunny are still over by the lacy things, pulling hangers over their heads and modeling nighties for each other while giggling.

“Alex has had a hard year. Not being able to play has been difficult for him, right?”

“Well, yeah.” I still don’t see what this has to do with sex.

“And I know Randy getting all the center-ice attention has been even more difficult for him,” Charlene continues.

Lily’s out of earshot. “He’s had a rough time with that. Obviously he likes Randy, but watching someone else play his position was painful.”

It’s kind of like his hate for Buddy. He doesn’t want to be replaced by a piece of plastic that looks like a beaver.

“Exactly. You need to give him lots of opportunities to be the dominant, alpha man that he is.”

I stare at Charlene. “Have you been reading paranormal romances again? Or BDSM porn?”

“Seriously, Violet. Get out of your comfort zone. You’re in your twenties and marrying a professional athlete. These men like to fuck. A lot.”

This I know. On a slow week, Alex and I have sex almost daily. I don’t know why I have to step it up beyond that, but I’m willing to get some new, fun stuff if it helps repair my man’s sometimes fragile ego.

“Okay. I’m open to suggestions.”

“Great.” She slaps my ass, and I jump. “Let’s get you some new outfits to play in!”

Charlene is way too excited for this.

I follow her through the store while she pulls things off racks. She chooses a number of those leather-and-chain getups. I keep my mouth shut, because I can try them on, but that doesn’t mean I have to buy them.

I’m not sure where my mom and Daisy are, but we find Sunny and Lily standing in front of a wall of toys and lube.

“We should get you a new vibrator or two while we’re here,” Charlene suggests.

“There’s nothing wrong with Buddy.” Other than the fact that Alex hates him.

Sunny and Lily stop staring at the wall of dicks and other things to give their attention to me.

Sunny twirls her hair. “Buddy?”

“It’s her vibrator,” Charlene explains.

“It’s a beaver,” I add.

“Your vibrator is a beaver?” Lily asks.

“Yup. It’s a beaver wearing tightie-whities. I love it.”

“And Alex hates it,” Charlene says.

“Why?” Lily asks.

“Maybe because it has a name? He got all sorts of riled up when I told him I was in bed with Buddy during away games. I think it bothers him when I have to give myself orgasms.”

“That’s kind of sweet, isn’t it?” Lily says.

“I think so.”

“Anyway, you need a new one. Buddy’s face has almost worn off, you use it so much.” Charlene picks up two packaged vibrators and starts reading the backs, comparing models.

“The face has worn off?” Lily looks disturbed.

“It gets a lot of use during away games, and after Alex’s accident, he needed some recovery time, so Buddy had to help out.”

“Your vibrator has a face?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s, like, literally a beaver with buck teeth and everything.”

“You and Alex are perfect for each other,” Lily mutters.

I nod my agreement, then turn my attention to the wall of dicks. There’s a giant purple one with two heads—one at either end. It’s out of the package and lying on the shelf. Maybe it’s a tester. I pick it up, and it flops around. I smack Charlene on the ass with it. “What the hell’s the point of this? Is this for people who have two vaginas?”

Charlene ignores me. I make lightsaber sounds and then pretend it’s a pair of nunchucks. I accidently smack her in the tit. She grabs it and starts beating me.

Sunny and Lily burst out laughing, and I run down the aisle to get away. I end up in the anal section. Of course. On display are tubes of lube and a dildo thing that looks like a bunch of beads, which I actually have in the back of a drawer, along with other things that will never go near my Area 51. My butt clenches in defiance.

Butt plugs in a horrifying array of shapes and sizes taunt me. I pick one up that’s the size of my head and turn around. “Seriously? This is a gag gift, right?” I check the price tag. It’s more than a hundred dollars. For a giant rubber plug. That people apparently put in their Area 51. “The only ass this would fit in is an elephant’s.”

Sunny and Lily are staring slack-jawed at the huge hunk of rubber, or whatever the hell it’s made of. I pick up one of the tiny ones, which are packaged. I hold them up beside each other.

“Okay.” I wave the small one around. “I can maybe understand this. Like, it’s about the same size as Alex’s finger, but this?” I heft it up so they have a better view. Not that they need one. It’s massive in a terrifying way. It’s also heavy and awkward, so I lose my grip. It drops to the floor with a thud.

Charlene shakes her head. “Violet, unless you’re planning a new career as an anal porn star, I’m confident you’ll never have a need for this.” She picks up the giant plug and sets it back on the shelf. It has dust on it now, and someone’s gum is stuck to it. I hope whatever insane person buys it gives it a heavy-duty sanitizing before they do whatever they’re planning to do with it—maybe use it as a door stopper or a paper weight.